“Take your time to heal.” - Thea Sonya
I’ve had 3 miscarriages.
Each one panned out differently. By the 3rd time, I was amazed that there were so many ways a baby could die in utero. I would say that out of the 3, the first one was definitely the most traumatic.
It was my first pregnancy, and I was first of all shocked that I was even pregnant. And just as we were getting used to the idea and starting to get excited, I started bleeding seriously while we were out for dinner. I was about 11 weeks along and just days away from going for my 12 week scan.
I remember being in a cab with my husband to KKH A&E and just being very silently nervous about what was happening. I got to KKH A&E and had to wait to see the doctor. But I was literally bleeding through my pants and into the toilet bowl by that point. I begged them to let me see a doctor now. They allowed me in and as the doctor was examining me, he said that he could see the foetus being passed already. It was one of the most shocking and devastating moments of my life. Even now, 5 years on, I feel antecedent grief for the person lying on that examination table.
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It changed me profoundly.
It was my first real brush with loss. I had no idea how to deal with it or how to handle my emotions. It didn’t help that we had tried to follow the “12-week rule” and hadn’t told many friends we were pregnant. They all only found out when I miscarried. Not having anyone know about the pregnancy, made me feel even more alone.
From that pregnancy on, I have consistently abandoned this arbitrary rule and have told every person who matters to me about all my pregnancies. I want to be supported throughout the pregnancy, no matter how it goes.
There were a lot of pieces to pick up after my miscarriage. The courage to start trying again, the courage to go through another first trimester, the courage to hope again… learning to face my feelings, be vulnerable with my friends, rely heavily on God… it also taught me so much about empathy and showing up for friends in their time of need.
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Each of my 3 miscarriages felt different.
Primarily because of the way I chose to allow myself to be real, vulnerable and loved. I realised that the more I give myself space to be supported and space to heal, the less painful the sting and the faster I bounce back.
I am also healthier emotionally and stronger for it in the aftermath. I wish people were more aware of how physically draining losing a baby is. The sudden drop of hormones, the procedure to evacuate the uterus, the bleeding, etc. it’s akin to a mini postpartum and should be treated that way. Women who have had miscarriages should be nourished back to health with lots of rest and good nutrition.
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Take your time to heal.
With my first miscarriage, I treated it like a flu and I was back at work after 3 days of lying on my couch with stomach cramps and bleeding. Thinking back, I must’ve been crazy. With the 2nd and 3rd miscarriages, I properly blocked out 2 weeks to just rest, recover and eat well. I was also a lot more intentional about feeding my body well. I felt much better.